wait just a minute

i checked my email this morning, only to find a note from a friend from college.

we were hallmates freshman year, and remained friend throughout the duration. ....in fact, most of my pictures at graduation have her in them...maybe b/c our families sat by each other.

at any rate, i haven't seen her since the fall after graduation, and our communication has dwindled to christmas cards and birthday shoutouts. c'est la vie right?

well, she's engaged.

as of friday night.

in the span of a month 3 more closer friends from college have gotten engaged.

these are people who hopefully i'll be able to celebrate with. hmmm. married.

we joked about the order of who would go first down the aisle. being cynical then as much as ever, i called that i'd probably be the last one. well, talk about self-fulfilling prophecies.

this then caused me to ponder high school. out of a group of 11 girls....only 3 of us are even single now. and the friends from other groups from then? all married or en route...and that includes the guys.

friends from church camp? all married or engaged.

even in the new found little world of nashville....one by one the ants go marching to eternity. (hopefully)

panicked? not really.

disappointed in my current position? debatable.

i've resorted to looking at myself in the mirror and reminding myself that i'm a good catch.

i think i'm slightly freaked out because the numbers will just increase in time. and as my friend chandni says, so i might be moving to a bigger city. but I will still be there. how do i even know i'm going to the right place?

i don't like this at all. not one bit.

i also don't like that though i am technically free as a lark, i am as bound emotionally as harry houdini in one of those tanks of water. (that fact COULD be comforting depending on various variables.....or just quite sad)

what do i want? i want someone to be willing to fight 100 men to get to me. to run through the gauntlet and put aside their ego or fear or whatever things hold people back and choose me. (I'm quite easy to love, i'm told)
i'd settle for the knowledge that someone would do that for now.

since that's about all i could hope for currently.

25 is not half as much fun as i thought it would be.

at the end of it all, the MD although a blessing to have is runner up to someone who i get to bake peanut butter cookies for and dream with.

damn you eve. damn you and the stupid fruit. i wouldn't be so concerned with all this if it weren't for you.

.....and to think, i'm not even PMSing right now. i think i need another vacation.