in rainbows

i'm lying on the couch, computer in lap with radiohead's in rainbows playing.

it's following me around like a shadow currently. i seriously can't get rid of the music....even when it isn't playing.

i believe it is one of the most optimistic yet longing albums they've done. maybe since kid a...which i felt was pretty encouraging in its own rite.

i will say however that i feel it is one of the albums for someone in love. i feel like i should be in love listening to the melodies and the lyrics and the way that the songs meld into each other.

this is for listening in a car at night with the windows down, holding someone's hand.

instead i listen to it in my car in the darkness with the windows down alone.

and i'm okay with that.

i believe.

someone i loved once is dating someone now. i knew it before i knew it. if you know what i mean.
i was happy that i was happy for him, and i even told him so in a few words.

of course it also made me think, "geez britt, what is your deal?"

but i don't have a deal i don't think.

i was telling my mum and a good friend tonight that i've learned something about myself. i have incredible interpersonal skills. i can figure out people pretty rapidly and tell them about themselves...however, i have lousy intrapersonal skills.

it will take me weeks, nay months to get to the bottom of my own motives or feelings in a situation. partly because i have a tendency to rationalize myself out of a lot of emotions.

for example, it is dumb to get hurt/mad about this or that. so i'm not. but i really am and it never stares me back in the face until months later. and the light comes on. and then it's too late to address the primary problem because it looks like i've been nursing a grievance that actually i never noticed until much later.

ergo my random bursts of tears for no apparent reason.

hmmm.

and you thought i was well-adjusted.