it all depends on the day

i am really spent today. it's the combination of getting 2 hrs of sleep of on friday night(being sleep deprived affects you more 2 days after the night of the lack of sleep fyi), being in the hospital for 32 hours all together, and the knowledge that my next day off of work is December 5th.

Besides that, I have maintained a steady list of 9-10 patients for the last week (our limit is 10 patients), some of whom are quite sick and whose families are still coming to grips with their loved one's mortality.

so besides the physical and mental strain that 5am mornings every day, swollen legs, sore backs, an overworked left hand, headaches, overbearing residents, nagging nurses, and rude people on the telephone, there is the emotional and spiritual exhaustion of walking out of one room and trying to give 100% in the other ones.

Now this is not a blog of complaining.

There is something rewarding (somedays) when you've won a difficult family or patient over, when you think ahead of potential problems and already have a plan set up, when a really sick patient makes a turn around, or when you get to send people home, and leave work early.

i just want to say that i didn't realize how much my job would take out of me. I cry sometimes just from being poured out. I find that what I need from non-medical friends is just a hug (which isn't easy to come by, since none of them are here), a reminder that God's strength will get me through and that this is temporary, or a something to make me laugh. or a bit of validation that i'm not a nutcase.

in addition the social issues affecting many of my patients is just as frustrating-------stories of abuse and neglect and absent families, poverty, addictions. I am often horrified with the things I see that i can't fix. and boy, i wish i could.

I have this bottomless well of hatred for injustice and cruelty and don't know what to do with it.
(I watched Australia last night, which hit a chord). Maybe there is some advocacy work I can find a way to squeeze in.

ARGHHHHH, so many ideas and no time. no time for even myself.