an old post revisited

sometimes, you've just got to go back to square one.

MY PETER PAN COMPLEX (TAKE 2)
it's a little after ten thirty in the morning, and i'm at Alektor Cafe.this is a great place for contemplation...being an orthodox coffeeshop/bookstore.i "should" be studying for my midterm today. but something has compelled to set the books aside for a moment and have my quiet time....which is poorly neglected and usually not done with much REAL attention.this fact really disgusts and shames me....but that is the honest truth right now.on sunday, i was reminded of James saying that if we hear the Word and don't Do the Word that we are like people who get up in the morning, look in the mirror, and yet walk away without washing their faces. i feel like there is a lot of crud on my face...and it's been there for a bit. and unfortunately a lot of the people i'm around either have stuff on their faces too, or they are quietly noting my dirty face and not telling me about it.at any rate, I turned to 1 John today... mostly because i was reminded of the scripture that Pastor Rice read sunday morning.I WRITE TO YOU YOUNG MEN, BECAUSE YOU HAVE OVERCOME THE EVIL ONE.granted this is the universal 'man".....so it's applicable.and quite fitting for me doing a stint on a military base and hearing stories of deployment and warfare.
i have issues with growing up. in every sense of the word. it's not that i'm immature in the natural. i'm actually very much the opposite. but while i grow up, i have a resentment towards the ceaseless movement of time and i get bitter at it.the funny thing is that i look forward cheerfully to growing old and sharing wisdom with younger people, although at the same time, i'm petrified that i won't collect enough britt-isms to be considered wise one day.spiritually speaking however....i don't know what i am. i'm quite the thinker. both a blessing and a curse. because i can talk and think quite convincingly that i'm a flourishing Believer, and i can answer questions in the right way and act the right way..and never have to get to the dark dank reality that i'm screwed up. that i have issues. man...i AM in need of a savior.who would've thought it? hah!OVERCOMING THE EVIL ONE? what does that even mean, Lord? I do feel that i've had my share of spiritual growing pains, that i've gone through the occasional gauntlet and haven't exited out the other end completely broken and beaten.
but deep inside me, when i'm totally quiet, or i'm in the middle of worship on sunday, or driving to work and i'm really silent...i know i was i built for battle. i yearn to live and die for something bigger than me. and i don't mean in some martyredom way. i mean in a practicial western way. live a disciplined and moderate live, TRULY love my neighbors, cut off the superficial and shallow. be REALLY grateful and content where i am. manage my Money and Time wisely.FORGIVE those who hurt me. GIVE back.the things that i believe can often times be more difficult in comfort than in want.
So here begins a new leg of my journey i believe. to find out what OVERCOMING means. through gleaning out every scripture that discusses the word. to write and ponder the idea.to really get God's word pass my cortex and into my heart.quite a challenge for a person who avoids silence and loves noise and people.
but i'm feeling restless and groggy and tired and sluggish. and i know why.HOLY SPIRIT, i want to drop everything with joy when you pull at me to listen. i want to hear you as clearly as i hear my mom when she calls. yet i hear you about as a clearly as i hear a heart murmur with my stethoscope.and this is a problem.but i'm here Lord. and i want to learn. I love you and i want to live that and not just say that. i need a revival, a renewal, a recharge.please help me.please help to be with you when everything is appearing to be good.please.