it's my turn

i'm too lazy to capitalize letters, so i'm not going to. unless it's Him. (and we know who that is).

anyway, i'm on labor and delivery this week. yesterday was my first c-section. they handed the baby off to me while they cut the umbilical cord, and it began it's cold and awkward life on the earth. well, it began it's "legal acknowledgement of existence" but that's utter crap and we know it.

known from conception we all are, so this little one's life began 9 months ago. but i digress.

i cried. GRAPHIC AHEAD: i watched the resident open the uterus, and below was the tuft of hair.

delivery is brutal either way it happens.

the doctors pull the head out, and practically have the baby by the neck as they try to pry the shoulders out of this organ that is quite a tight fit by the time the baby should come. she's all purple, and her face is scrunched up. but its a PERSON. a little piece of DIVINITY. known by God before time began.

the next thing i know they tell me to stretch out my arms, and i have this small, warm being in my hands. crying and taking deep breaths of air for the first time. i hand the slippery one over to the pediatricians, and i'm over the surgery.

can i go to the nursery with them? can i help swaddle the baby please? but no, tis not my luck.

that was a small glimpse of redemption and beauty in the midst of an utterly rotten rotation. i hate it. i absolutely hate it. the schedule, the surgeries, the issues, blah blah. so much that i believe i'm having a somatic response to it.

half way through the day one of the worst headaches i've had in a while paid me a visit. and it decided to stay for a while. (i still have remnants of it). so i didn't go in this morning.

so. enough about that. it'll be over at some point. i'll get through it and be thankful for God's grace in this time.

in other news, NY. what a nice trip. what a nice little break. caught up with a few friends, ate some good food. (pinkberry is so tasty). did a tad bit of shopping. walked so much i was afraid my tendonitis was going to rear its ugly head. fell in love with the city all over again.

and got super excited about away rotations and residency. and match. and the future. and senior year. and big cities. and actually getting paid.

i didn't get the medical honor society this year. i was a contender, but i didn't get it. at one point in my academic career that would have really bothered me. would have made me doubt my ability and intelligence and everything about myself. i guess i'm understanding that accolades don't make you a good doctor, don't make you a smarter person, don't really mean anything. they're nice to have. but unimportant.

a friend a year ahead of me never even got nominated for the society, but she got her number one choice for residency. and it's Harvard for internal medicine.

so there!

i feel that this post is stupid. but i'm going to submit it anyway.